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eight
May 17, 2010 21:26:37 GMT -5
Post by cutebutboring on May 17, 2010 21:26:37 GMT -5
Mark never really imagined himself becoming a parent. He never thought about it, he didn't consider it to be his ultimate dream come true. So when he walked into the master bedroom of Addison's Brownstone the last thing he expected to see was five positive pregnancy tests. Not exactly the way any man wants to find out that he is going to become a father. He picked up a single stick and stared at it for a few minutes, trying to understand if the word 'Pregnant' actually meant pregnant or if it could be his mind playing tricks on him. His heart began pounding and he nervously walked into Addison's larger than life walk in closet. He held out the test for her to see and looked at her expressionlessly. He had yet to decide how he felt about the recently discovered pregnancy. "There anything you need to tell me?" he asked softly. And from that point on his life changed forever. In the best and worst way possible. He was now responsible for more than just himself. Now he had a child to think abouT. He had to take care of himself, Addison and their child. Life was never going to be the same again and he had yet to decide how he felt about it.
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eight
May 17, 2010 21:44:52 GMT -5
Post by Addison on May 17, 2010 21:44:52 GMT -5
Addison closed her eyes, she hadn't ment for him to find out this way. Infact she hadn't ment for him to find out at all. She had planned to have everything taken care of before he even found out. It was suppose to be her little secret. Nobody was suppose to know. He was suppose to be at work. The fact that he was home supprised her. He was suppose to be working a double.
"I guess you found out for yourself, no need for me to tell you now is there?" She asked him, her tone nastier than she had intended for it to become. She wasn't sure how she felt about hte baby ither. The truth was what they had was never ment to last. It was a fling, and affair becuase her husband hated her and didn't know how to touch her. or how to love her. Because her husband was too busy with his own life to pay attention to her.
"I'm sorry." She told him, looking into his eyes, and giving him a tiny smile. "I guess this just isn't the way I wanted you to find out." She said her tone apoligetic. She sank down onto the floor of the walk in closet and fell silent.
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eight
May 17, 2010 21:55:42 GMT -5
Post by cutebutboring on May 17, 2010 21:55:42 GMT -5
Mark's heart sank down with her. He felt like it was in the pit of his stomach ready to break at any second. He crawled down and sat beside her, tolding onto her tightly until her heaving stopped. He pressed a tender kiss to her temple and offered her words of comfort he'd never said to anyone else before.
"It's gonna be fine, Ad." he promised sweetly. "I love you, okay? I know you don't love me and I know that this was never meant to be serious for you and a baby ruins those plans but I'm not leaving. I'll be here for you. I'll be here for this baby. You won't be alone."
He heard her sniffled, although her tears were still flowing openly. It only caused him to hold her tighter just to show that he was actually there. That he wouldn't take off when things got too tough.
"I know I'm not Derek...but is that really such a bad thing?" he whispered. "I'll never leave, I can promise you that. And anything you decide I'll support. Anything."
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eight
May 17, 2010 22:04:47 GMT -5
Post by Addison on May 17, 2010 22:04:47 GMT -5
"I want a baby Mark I do I just-----" Addison paused, she could't complete the sentence. She didn't even know what she was aobut to say. Was she about to say that she didn't want a baby with Mark? She closed her eyes again. She hated herself for what she had become, she hated herself for how much she loved the way he held her in his arms, the way that he smelt, the way that he kissed her , the way that Derek could never live up to.
"You just don't want a baby with me?" Mark asked, and Addison shook her head and clung to him closer. "I didn't say that Mark......I.....I'm just so confused." She confessed.
"This....this thing that we have was never ment to be....it was a fling....and now....now I'm stuck. and I want to be with you....but .........." A million thoughts flooded her mind all at once. How disfunctional would it be to bring a child into her life?
"That last peeds nurse, the leggy one with the blonde hair.....did you think I didn't know about her?" Addison asked, turning in his arms, looking at him, her teary blue eyes locked to his.
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eight
May 17, 2010 22:17:54 GMT -5
Post by cutebutboring on May 17, 2010 22:17:54 GMT -5
"You know about Charlene?" he asked with regret, his arms becoming looser as if he'd failed her and himself. He backed away from her, leaving a noticable amount of distance between them. "I... I don't know what I was doing, Ad. I thought you didn't love me and I thought you didn't want me. I needed to give you an out! I thought if I cheated you'd leave and you won't feel guilty about it."
He grabbed onto her shoe rack to pull himself back onto his feet and then he looked down at her, still curled up in a ball in corner. "If you want me than tell me! If you don't want me, if you don't want this baby then tell me so I don't get attached." he begged, more emotional than he thought he could ever be over a fetus or a woman.
"I could already imagine it. She would have my hair, your eyes. She's have the same mischevious grin as me but a sweet breathtaking smile like yours. She's be a little bitchy, just enough to be able to stand up for what she believes in...like you. And she'd have this appeal that would make everyone love her...and I'm not sure who she'd get that from. She's tell you she hates you but she'd secretly admire you more than anyone else alive and she would end up following in your footsteps." he explained, a smile crawling on his face as he painted the imagine that had entered his mind the second he saw the pregnancy tests.
"If it was a boy... he would have your natural hair color, the blondish brownish whatever you call it. And he'd have my eyes. He's be fucking hot...cause I am. And he's be perfect at everything like you. He'd want nothing to do with medicine just to piss us off and he's end up a pro skateboarder or something pointless like that. But we'd be proud of him anyway."
His smile died down when he looked back at her, her sobbing now even more hysterical than before. "I'm already in love with a fetus I just found out. I don't know if it's a girl or boy, I have no idea how big it is. But i love it. And if you plan to take that away from me than tell me so I can stop his feeling from getting stronger."
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eight
May 17, 2010 22:32:04 GMT -5
Post by Addison on May 17, 2010 22:32:04 GMT -5
She looked at Mark and listned as he spoke his piece. But she couldn't help but feel regret. Regret that she had ever cheated on Derek. Regret that she hadn't been able to walk into that abortion clinic this morning, and instead had stood outside staring at the door all day, missing her surgeries, until they closed and she had an excuse to make herself leave. Regret that she couldn't give mark what he wanted without makeing herself feel like shit.
"If you want it.....if you want to have this baby......we can work this out." She said the words were out of her mouth before she knew what she was saying, and the moment afterwords she immideatly regreated it, but she saw the look on Mark's face, the look of great joy and relief and she could't keep herself from forcing a smile.
She knew that she would never want this baby, that she had never wanted it from the beginning, but when she saw that look on his face she couldn't take back what she had said. She could have this baby, she could bring this baby to term even if she didn't want to. She could. no. she WOULD do this for Mark, because he needed her. He needed this baby, he needed addison and he needed something to join them together. So for now, she would pretend like everything was ok. She would pretend like she was happy, pretend like nothing was wrong. Just like she had done for the last 11 years.
She gently placed her hand on her tummy and smiled at Mark, but she couldn't block out the little voice in her head that was telling her that the thing growing in her stomach was nothing more than a parisite. A tumor. She could never love this baby, not when she wanted Derek.
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eight
May 17, 2010 23:24:35 GMT -5
Post by cutebutboring on May 17, 2010 23:24:35 GMT -5
7 months later:
Mark walked into the OR gallery to see his very pregnant girlfriend sitting in the backrow with a file of charts on the chair beside her. She looked up at him and smiled before peering back down at the chart. "There is a pool of amniotic fluid beneath you, fyi." he mentioned casually as he lifted the charts and sat down on the chair.
Addison looked down at the liquid she'd failed to notice than looked up at Mark in shock. She didn't move, at that second she wasn't Dr. Addison Montgomery, the best Ob/gyn that had ever set foot on American soil. She was Addison Montgomery, a first time mother and had no idea what was going on.
"It's okay, Addie, we're in the hospital. We can get you to maternity in no time." he assured with a smile, getting up and lending a hand to help her. He turned to an intern sitting in the front row and playfully smacked him upside the head. "Get Dr. Montgomery a wheel chair and find someone to take these charts to a nurse." he ordered. The intern ran out in a hurry, not daring to go again Dr. Sloan.
"I am not sitting in a wheel chair, Mark." Addison answered diterminantly.
"I will carry you if you don't sit in the wheelchair." Mark replied. The intern came back in the a wheel chair and Mark looked down at it with a smirk. "Your choice."
She looked at him with a painful glare and sat down. His smile grew even wider as he took over the handle to steer her in the right direction. "I thought so." he added smuggly.
3 hours later Addison was in the midst of the most horrible birthing experience of her life, partically because she was at the other end of the stirrups and particially because it really was the worst delivery known to man.
Just as the baby's head emerged Mark felt Addison's body go limb against his own. She'd passed out and he insinstively went into panic mode when he heard machine go off to alert the staff of her condition. In the end, the baby had to be vacuumed out and Addison was taken into the OR to stop the uncotrolable bleeding. In the end, they gave her a hysterectomy, saving her life but taking her fertility.
When Mark heard she was awake he decided to take son, Aiden up to see his mother. He walked into the room with a smile showing both happiness and concern. Mark slowly passed the baby to her and informed her that he'd named him Aiden Montgomery-Sloan, because he wasn't sure what she wanted his last name to be. But the way she looked at him wasn't the way mothers usually looked at their newborns.
"Addison..." he asked carefully, not wanting to touch any sensative base knowing that women are already prone to crying after birth. "Are you okay, babe?"
She insisted that she's fine and never revisited the subject again.
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eight
May 17, 2010 23:42:58 GMT -5
Post by Addison on May 17, 2010 23:42:58 GMT -5
She looked down at the tiny pink baby. He was wrapped in a blue blanket. She tried to feel something, tried to feel anything for the small bundle that mark had put into her arms and she realized that as much as she wanted to feel something for the baby she couldn't. She had read her chart. She knew how horriable her birth had gone. She knew that she would never be able to have kids again, and that she would have to take hormones for the rest of her life.
"I want coffee." She said, handing the baby back to Mark and wincing in pain as she moved. "And tell them I need to up my morphine because I can feel every fucking stitch they put into me." She said as she tried hard not to cry from the pain and agrivation.
"Addie---" Mark said, he placed the baby in the bassionette next to the hospital bed and sat down next to Addison.
"Don't---" She said, tears falling from her eyes as she pushed him away. "Get out---take the baby and leave." She demanded. "I'm so tired, can't you just let me sleep? " She askes to mark, turning away from him and the baby.
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eight
May 17, 2010 23:57:00 GMT -5
Post by cutebutboring on May 17, 2010 23:57:00 GMT -5
7 months later:
Mark tiredly sat on the rocking chair in the nursery with his screaming son in his arms. He had tried everything possible to calm to child but nothing seemed to help. His fever wasn't rising but it wasn't going down either and as long as it was there it guaranteed that Mark would be getting no sleep. He held the child close to his body and slowly rocked him, hoping it would soothe away his tears but it only made things worse.
"Mark!" Addison screamed from the master bedroom. "I've got a career defining surgery at 6 in the morning and it's currently one..I need to sleep! Shut him up."
Mark closed his eyes for a second, trying to block Addison out. She hadn't fed her son a single time since he was born, she's never given him a bath. She had to be forced to hold him. She didn't have a single picture of him or with him. It was as if she had no son at all.
"It's okay, buddy, I'm here." he assured, pressing a soft kiss to the baby's warm forehead and feeling as if he could feel that same pain that his son was enduring. "I know you want your Mommy, baby...I want her too. But I'm here and I'm trying, kay? And I'm having a serious conversation with a baby...."
"Mark!" she screamed again.
"I heard you, Addison!" he screamed back, not realizing soon enough that his blaring voice would upset his son. "Why the fuck don't you come here and try to calm him yourself?!" he asked in agitation while trying to lull the tears back to a miminum.
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eight
May 18, 2010 0:15:37 GMT -5
Post by Addison on May 18, 2010 0:15:37 GMT -5
"Mark I swear if you don't make that child shut up you'll have no sex for a month." She threatned from the bedroom, but the child continued to cry, and within the next hour she got up out of the bed she was laying in and threw her pillow at Mark, hitting him in the head.
"Have you lost your fucking mind you could have hit the baby, or do you care? " He screamed at her. The baby began screaming louder, and Addison pratically wrenched him from his fathers arms. She didn't hurt him, but held him at a distance with distain. The baby looked up at her, and she bounced him around a little bit, before holding him closer to her. The moment she took him from his father he had stopped crying. And now he looked up at his mother in a curious way.
"It's a pillow Mark, not a brick."
"You have GOT to go to sleep. Mommy has a very important surgery and if you dont sleep Mommy is going to feed you to the boogy man." Addison cooed in a threatning tone. The baby looked up at Addison and laughed. She put a pacafire in his mouth and handed him back to his father.
"Your an idiot." She said rolling her eyes. "Keep him quiet. Or the death of a 13 year old will be on your hands." She said, knowing if she didn't get enough sleep she wouldn't be able to manage the surgery that she had that would take her all day long to complete.
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eight
May 18, 2010 0:29:26 GMT -5
Post by cutebutboring on May 18, 2010 0:29:26 GMT -5
The next day Addison walked into the house just before midnight only to hear the baby screaming at the top of his lungs again. She didn't bother to do anything about it. Instead she took a long hot shower to wash away all the stress of the day and then got into bed. A few minutes later Mark walked into the room armed with the child.
He glared at her with astonisment. "Nice to see you, too." he said sarcastically. "He's fine, thanks for asking." he added with the same tone, not noticing that Addison wasn't in the mood because she hadn't been in the mood since before she had gotten pregnant.
"What's wrong with you, Addison? That the fuck is wrong with you?!" he yelled loudly over the cries of his son.
"My patient died!" she screamed back. "All because you two kept me up all night! That's what's wrong. She was thirteen, she had her whole life ahead of her. And I fucking killed her because I was exhausted and now my reputations going in the shit hole..."
"I'm not talking about right now!" Mark exclaimed. "I haven't seen you smile since Aiden was born! You don't give a fuck about him! You don't look at him, you don't think about him... it's like he's not yours. And you don't bother to talk to me anymore, you don't care what's going on with me or how I feel....not that you ever did because I'm not Derek!"
"Mark..." Addison tried to interup.
"No, Addison, it's fine. You know what? Nevermind. We're leaving. We'll leave you alone so you can live your life the way you want to. So you won't have us hear to keep you up all night." he decided, leaving the room to pack a bag for the baby and take a few things of his own. "I hope you this is what you wanted Addison, because I don't know what else I could do to please you."
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eight
May 18, 2010 0:43:40 GMT -5
Post by Addison on May 18, 2010 0:43:40 GMT -5
Addison looked up from mark to the screaming child in his arms and Addison gave the both of them a numb pained look. A look like she was in so much pain that she would be supprised if God didn't just spare her of her misery and take her then and there.
"Have you ever felt like there is no purpose to your exisistence? Because that's how I feel. Taking him and leaving...sparing him of the agony that is Addison Montgomery may be whats best for both of you." She said. She gave them a look as if she didn't care, her life had her so depressed that she didn't care if they left, didn't care if they caused her more misery.
"If you leave it's not like it would make that much of a diffrence, I'm quitting my job tomorrow, and atleast maybe i'll be able to get some sleep. " She said her voice numb.
"At least promise me that you'll tell him about me... when I'm gone, I mean. I mean not this horrible person that I am. Something nice... if there is anything nice, that is." She said to Mark, she wanted to die, and it was underlying in her words. But she didn't know if Mark understood her or if he just thought she was a bitch that didn't care.
"Just kill me now." She said pulling her pillow over her head.
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eight
May 18, 2010 1:08:05 GMT -5
Post by cutebutboring on May 18, 2010 1:08:05 GMT -5
He ignored her every world. Assuming that it's just another desperate plea for attention. He looked at her in pity, knowing she wouldn't give up her job for anything in the word, not even her own child who so deserperatly needed her in the weeks following his birth. She didn't even bother to leave her job after having had a child pulled out of her body, after having had major surgery. He refused to believe that she'd do it, to him it was just something to get his attention.
"You're pathedic, Addison. You don't care about anyone but yourself." he stated bitterly. "It's all about you and your precious career. That's fine... it doesn't matter anymore because no all you have left is yourself and your career."
He was just about to walk out the door when he stopped and turned to her for one last thought. "But just so you know, no one is going to be here to take your bullshit anymore. You're going to fall asleep alone and wake up alone. And sometimes a girl needs more than her stethoscope to keep her warm at night." (stole that last line from SM, btw)
"And no... I won't be telling Aiden about this intolerable mother." Mark snapped. "Because he doesn't deserve to know how horrible your really were. Maybe Derek knew what the fuck he was doing when he started ignoring you. You're a whole lot to endure for a whole fucking decade, Im not sure how he put up with you that long before you drove him away. You managed to do it to me in a matter for less than two years. I should have known he was right in all of this, I should have taken his example and left before you drove me to this point." he rambled, not caring that his every word was enough to dig her grave deeper until she could bury herself alive.
"It's over Addison. No more chances. Bye." he declared and turned his back to her, slamming the front door in her face when he walked out with their child in his arms.
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eight
May 18, 2010 1:42:19 GMT -5
Post by Addison on May 18, 2010 1:42:19 GMT -5
Addison had no clue how she survived the two hour drive to her house in the Hamptons. She really and truly didn't even know how or where she came up with the brilliant idea to go there in the first place. She was upset. She was irrational. Her brain was filled with the trillions of thoughts that were flooding her brain. She had given up the only thing she had ever wanted. She had given up her son. She had given up Mark. She killed her 13 year old patient. Why couldn't she get the look of that little girl out of her head? The sound that the machiene made when her hand slipped, causing her to nick a major artery and causing her patient to bleed out. It made her physically sick. She had never made a mistake before. She had never killed a patient before. Of course patients of hers had died, but it had never directly been her fault. She didn't know if she could live with herself anymore. She hadn't slept in days. She hadn't eaten, and now she stood infront of the brownstone in the Hamptons, her clothes sokeing wet from the rain. She flashes back to when her husband threw her out of their Manhatten brownstone. The weather was the same. She was thrown out in nothing but her night shirt when Derek had found her inbed with Mark, and although that was one of the worst days of her life, it couldn't compare to how she was feeling at this very moment.
The first few days she laid in the masterbedroom. She was so depressed, so manic that she believed the only way she could make the pain go away was if she hurt herself. She felt that she was a failure, that she didn't deserve to be safe, to be pain free, to be alive.
The first day she cut herself on the wrists 30 times. 15 times on each wrist. One time for each failure across the wrist. One time for each year that she had been alive. One time for each time she had failed her son, her boyfriend, her husband. Why wasn't she good enough? Why couldn't she just be good enough just this once? Couldn't she do anything right? The cuts wern't deep enough to cause serious bleeding, however they caused her great pain, and it was the pain that she needed, for she wasn't thinking of killing herself just yet. Of Course the thought had crossed her mind, but she was still too rational to be brave enough to attempt it. She was afraid that she wouldn't even be able to kill herself proplerly that she would fail at that too. She pressed an alcahol pad down onto her bleeding wrists. There. It was again. That pain. That instant gratification that she needed, that release. She had never understood why people cut thereselves until she had felt that release. It was like she was numb and cutting herself allowed her to feel, and even feeling pain was better than feeling nothing at all.
The second day she stayed in her bed the entire day with the covers drawn over her head. She was too emotionally exausted to get out of bed. She was too ashamed to face what she had become. She didn't recognize herself in the mirror anymore. Her eyes were dark, red and puffy from crying. Her make-up was smeared and her eyes matted. Her wrists once covered in skin as smooth as silk, bearing the cuts from the night before. She was afraid of what she had become and so instead of faceing her demons she slept.
The next morning when she awoke, it was as if she were in a dream. Like someone else had taken over her body and she was watching from somewhere up above. She couldn't take it anymore. Couldn't take the weight of her demons pressing down on her. She moved from the bed as if she were in a trance, and drew a scolding hot bath full of water, filling it with her favorite scent, before moving to the medicine cabnit. She took out her pills and filled a cup with water. She took the vicoden first, It only took her two hand fulls, and the pills were down. She looked in the mirror to her tear stained face. She didn't deserve to be alive. She screamed and smashed the mirror. Without thinking she swallowed the second bottle which was full of xanax. She was feeling dizzy now. She couldn't think clearly. She felt nasous. Quickly she stepped into the bathtub, relishing the way the warm water felt on her cool skin as she sank down low and rested her head on the side of the tub. Nobody else cared if she was dead or alive. Her husband, her boyfriend, and her son all hated her. She was a failure and caused everyone in her life nothing but pain. She didn't deserve to live anymore. So she laid there, in the scolding hot water, waiting to die.
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eight
May 18, 2010 23:08:11 GMT -5
Post by cutebutboring on May 18, 2010 23:08:11 GMT -5
Meanwhile, Mark held his son tightly in his arms and rocked him softly to sleep. He placed a tender kiss on the child's forehead. "I know I told your mother that I wouldn't tell you about her but that was a lie. I only did that to piss her off. Pissing her off is fun! I wish we could piss her off together. Two people pissing her off, she'd be twice as pissed off which is twice as funny." he rambled.
"And I promise that she's not as bed as what you've seen. I'm not entirely sure when that happened but the Addison that I once knew was amazing. She was perfect, kid. She was seriously everything anyone could ever ask for. I wish you could have meant that Addison. That Addison would have made an amazing mother." he went on, looking down at the baby to see he had fallen asleep.
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